Sorry We're Not Sorry

Slutting it up on ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’ is the first...

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 19:03:03 -0500

Slutting it up on ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’ is the first step to getting a ‘16 and Pregnant’ contract.
But seriously, that four year old dances sluttier than the brigde and tunnel girls at clubs in the Meatpacking Discrict.

Two Girls, One Cup. Our milkshake brings all the boys to the...

Mon, 02 Jan 2012 17:58:00 -0500

Two Girls, One Cup.

Our milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. But our asses won’t bring anyone anywhere, since we started 2012 by consuming a milkshake made with an entire sleeve of oreos and half a pint of chocolate ice cream. At least we used fat-free milk. #dietstartstomorrow

- A

Why are you still attempting to talk to me? Is my vaginal that...

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 16:19:55 -0500

Why are you still attempting to talk to me? Is my vaginal that magical?

#thingsguyssay I don’t think you’re nuts, I just...

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 15:56:09 -0500

#thingsguyssay

I don’t think you’re nuts, I just think you’re a bad person.

An open letter to the (hot) doctors at my job

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 16:11:11 -0400

Dear Gentlemen,

Why don’t you ever hit on me? For 2 years and 8 months I have pranced around the hospital and medical school, and for 2 years and 8 months I’ve been ignored. We’ve crossed paths in the library, cafeteria, laboratory, hallway, and various seminars without one word ever being shared. I’ve seen my female coworkers and yours. While there are absolutely a handful of pretty women in white coats, we can all firmly attest that I am one of the more attractive young women here. But alas, nothing. Why not ask me my name, say hello, or simply flash friendly smile? I get that you’re busy, but where else are you going to meet women? I firmly believe men should always make the first move, so I’ll just pout at my desk in the meanwhile.

Waiting,

ilovecharts: -pas-magnifique To quote Clueless, “If...

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 12:57:04 -0400

ilovecharts:

-pas-magnifique

To quote Clueless, “If I’m too good for him, then how come I’m not with him?”

Thinspiration, you can never start too young. Parents, if you...

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 11:30:08 -0400

Thinspiration, you can never start too young.

Parents, if you won’t stop your fat kids from eating Cheetos, Paul Kramer will do it for you.

NYC Men Are Dropping Like Flies

Fri, 05 Aug 2011 10:30:30 -0400

Rash of Untimely Male Deaths Make Women Feel Better About Themselves

Click through to read Kickin’ I.T.’s blog post. This girl has perspective.

Grace Helbig shows us how white girls eat salads. Pass the...

Fri, 05 Aug 2011 10:17:26 -0400

Grace Helbig shows us how white girls eat salads.

Pass the bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Photo

Sun, 24 Jul 2011 20:02:17 -0400

Let the judging begin.

Tue, 24 May 2011 12:28:15 -0400

Let the judging begin.

Sorry I’m not sorry for the adderall I’m about to...

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 11:18:50 -0400

Sorry I’m not sorry for the adderall I’m about to take at work. With my boss on vacation this week, I spent my days applying for jobs and chatting on social media websites. He’s back in the office on Monday, and I’ve literally done nothing all week. Adderall to the rescue! How else am I going to squeeze 1 week of work into 1 day? To ensure I don’t crack out at work (and so my coworkers can continue thinking I’m sane), I’m going for a “half now, half later” approach.

Ready, set, pharmaceutical-enhanced productiveness!

Blind Date. Literally BLIND date.

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 12:12:00 -0500

When I received an e-mail from my uncle asking “can I give your number to a nice Jewish boy from the club” aka “Can I prostitute my only single niece”, I laughed and said sure. If nothing else, I figured it could be a potential blog entry. I had obviously done some gentle facebook stalking ahead of time, and was actually looking forward to meeting the guy.

He suggested a cute little wine bar on the UES. It started well, until I noticed he was profusely sweating. He asked if it was hot in the bar. (It wasn’t.) He excused himself to go to the bathroom and douse water on his face. I took the time to peruse the menu and eavesdrop on the recently divorced couple behind us. Oh NYC. Bringing private convos into the public since 1896.

He came back sweat-free and then proceeded to tell me about why he wore such thick glasses. He wants to protect his “good eye”. Why does he gave a “good eye” you ask? Because he is blind in the other one. Insert blind date joke with blind man here. I sure did. Several of them.

I told him not to worry, I once went on a blind date with a man who told me he had one testicle…so he had a leg up…or a testicle up at least. He informed me that he often misses high fives when they come at him on the left.

After two bottles of wine and infinite two-legged seeing-eye-dog jokes, he walked me home and we parted ways. It was definitely a night for the books.

- A

It's my party, and I'll steal pics if I want to.

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 23:29:00 -0500

Sorry I’m not sorry that I just snuck onto my roommate’s computer while she wasn’t home and stole her pictures from my birthday. My birthday was February 20th, but there has yet to be a Facebook album (gasp!). I just wanted to ensure that I had copies of all the pretty picture of myself.

-J

Yet another way to blame our relationship status on Manhattan.

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 11:19:00 -0500

Yet another way to blame our relationship status on Manhattan.:

- J

No More Glass Ceiling?

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 13:39:00 -0500

Dear Potential Male Suitors,

I guarantee that you earn more money than I do. Especially seeing that every guy we meet works in finance, law, or real estate. Please don’t stop buying our drinks. If you don’t buy us drinks, how will you get laid?

Warm Regards,

Most 20-Something Manhattan Women

-J

Two Girls, One Swipe, the ADK Story I thought Valentine’s...

Tue, 15 Feb 2011 13:06:00 -0500

Two Girls, One Swipe, the ADK Story

I thought Valentine’s Day would be a little depressing for six single gals in the city, but I really didn’t anticipate the night ending in a police precinct. It started with a Comedy Show called “Love Sucks” where several comedians shared their worst Valentine’s Day tales…I think I have some good material for next year’s show.
After a few drinks with all mah single ladies, four of us decided to head back uptown to continue to the drinking/man-hating. We contemplated a cab but since we were already so close to Union Square and we all had monthly subway passes, we decided we’d just catch the 6. As we approached the turnstyle , I realized that I had left my monthly subway pass in my other jacket. Not wanting to buy a stupid one-way pass, I convinced my usually straight-edged roommate to double swipe me through.
After about three minutes, a large scary man in an ENYCE sweatshirt asked us to come with him. He flashed a plastic Party City badge that definitely did not convince me he wasn’t trying to pull us into a corner to rape us. Confident in my kickboxing skills, I followed him and his equally frightening looking friend down the subway corridor. He pulled JLH and I into a tiny room…I guess the badge wasn’t from Party City after all. He told us he had caught us on camera, and would have to write us each tickets for double-swiping. I tried to explain that I was incredibly sorry and have paid for a monthly pass and could bring it back to show him. When that didn’t work, I reminded him that it was Valentine’s Day and nobody loved us. When even THAT didn’t work, I encouraged him to only write me a ticket, as I made JLH do it. Officer ENYCE would have none of it, and handed us each tickets….for $100 each.
Obviously, I am paying for JLH’s ticket too. Below please find a list of things I would have preferred to spend $200 on last night.

- 20 Shots of Jameson.
- A plane ticket to Vegas (Jet Blue, but still a plane ticket).
- 200 Flashbucks at the Strip Club.
- A cab ride home for all four of us…actually a cab rides home for the entire bar.
- Two monthly subway passes.
- Someone to punch Officer Enyce in the face.
- A Valentine.

-A

Sorry I’m not sorry that the subway wasn’t loud...

Tue, 15 Feb 2011 12:58:27 -0500

Sorry I’m not sorry that the subway wasn’t loud enough this morning to cover up your flatulence. Gas X goes great with corduroy.

-A

As if being single on Valentine's Day wasn't bad enough..

Tue, 15 Feb 2011 01:04:00 -0500

Sorry we’re not sorry for both going through the turnstile with 1 metrocard swipe for the following reasons:

1. We’re clearly 2 single girls heading home alone on Valentine’s Day. If that’s not pathetic enough, we both had really shitty guy situations recently.. Flights were canceled.

2. The cost of the monthly unlimited metrocard is astronomical. Forgetting your card and having to spend another $2.50 when you already pay $115 is so annoying.. especially after the biggest fare hike ever.

3. Yes, another pass should have been purchased, but it was late night on the subway and there were a bunch of creepy guys hanging around the entrance. Any other time a new metrocard would have been purchased, but we legit thought they were creepy, homeless rapists and honestly just wanted to get away and closer to home ASAP.

4. The only reason you used those specific undercover “cops” to creep by the turnstile is because they aren’t white. You put minorities in dirty, baggy clothes and had them loitering by the entrance. That’s just feeding negative racial stereotypes.

5. You only gave us tickets because we look like we can afford to pay the fine. I see obnoxious high school kids jump turnstiles everyday. That’s prejudice and agism. Well guess what, we don’t have money to pay for this. We can barely afford to pay our rent, so now this money has to come out of our food budget.

6. It took you 20 minutes to write our tickets. We even saw you rip one set out of your book & hide it in your pocket because you must have made a mistake. Copying information verbatim from licenses is really tough. They can’t teach that kind of stuff in GED classes.

7. Two other cops walked in, saw us on pitifully sitting on the bench, looked at the guy writing a ticket and said “Really? You’re really going to do that to them?” We appreciate that some police officers have souls.

8. You just can’t talk/gossip about us in front of us in police “code.” Please, have some manners and self-respect. And maybe a heart because it’s Valentine’s Day.

9. I’m sorry City of New York, but these $100 fines are ridiculously high. I know Bloomberg needs to make some moolah and make up for that blizzard mishap, but really?

10. We just promise that there’s way worse stuff going on right this moment. Rather than give two brokenhearted girls tickets, why not get the homeless people out of the station, patrol the streets, intervene with gang violence, or work on a drug bust.

In lieu of pity, we’re accepting re-tweets, re-blogs, and donations towards our $200 fine.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

xoxo,

- J

Sorry I’m not sorry for being so lazy about not wanting to...

Thu, 03 Feb 2011 11:20:00 -0500

Sorry I’m not sorry for being so lazy about not wanting to leave my desk that I ordered over $10 worth of food just so my coffee could just be delivered. It’s just too cold and icy out.

- J